You Make My World Spin Placebo Feelings
Welp, according to my nifty new pregnancy app, I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Maybe? Sort of? Really??!!! Tomorrow is our very first ultrasound, or as my nurse called it, a “placement scan”. I’ve been warned in advance that we may not see much, as it’s still early on…ya know, poppy seed early. At the very least, they will be looking for an intrauterine gestational sac (or dare I say sacs) to confirm that life is perhaps (hopefully) growing. My stomach is in knots, 50% nerves, 50% constipation (the struggle is real).
If I wasn’t relying on the appearance of parallel lines on sticks that I dip in pee to confirm that I am in fact pregnant, I truly wouldn’t know the wiser. I’m a bit more tired that usual. Maybe taking a few more trips to the bathroom than normal. Noticing twinges in the uterus every now and again. Mild back pain on and off. No complaints. Whether mild symptoms, or placebo feelings, I’m enjoying it regardless (well, kind of).
I have low expectations for tomorrow. Partially because I am still not ready to completely let my guard down and partially because I feel like we’ve been down this road before from cycle #1 of IVF, albeit with a crappier beta from the start, but still, ending in not-so-hot news. I’m not quite sure when I will feel confident that this is really it. I’d like to believe that our perseverance has finally paid off. The best I can do is take baby steps to increase the level of excitement. This is a process, after all.
On a positive note, I feel blessed to know this early that regardless of the outcome, something magical has begun to take place. I still open the door to our intended empty nursery in hopes that I will one day get to see it filled with cute little baby things, and more importantly a baby (or babies!).
I am hopeful. I really am. I’m just, scared.