When I started this blog over a year ago, I was confident I was going to be a mommy. I knew the journey wasn’t going to be easy (or ideal), but I believed it to be possible. I had hope…I had faith…I had determination. Then came failure, after failure, after failure…each time, chiseling away at any morsel of confidence that remained.
A year of ending and beginning, a year of loss and finding. Tonight, as the planet passes through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun, my head will be high, and my middle finger even higher. I can only ring in the New Year, as that which I was for all of 2014…a raging lunatic an optipessimist (yes I’m making up words, no I haven’t been drinking…yet). The optimist in me will be staying up until midnight to see the New Year in, and the pessimist…ensuring the old year leaves 
I’ve listened to many infertility stories. Varying diagnoses, differing ages and backgrounds…yet all sharing a prevailing narrative. A sense of overwhelming anguish and loss. Loss of child, loss of hope, loss of sanity, loss of self. That very sad narrative was once my story too. Infertility induced anger-filled rages, bouts of tear-filled self-pity, stages of pessimistic hibernation…been there, done that, had enough.
I often find people landing here on my virtual doorstep, looking for advice on how to be happy while struggling with infertility.
My months of my project is nearing a close (time flies when you’re not consumed with thoughts of infertility), and it has been so mindfully rewarding that I plan to continue it, on a smaller, less financially foolhardy scale. This (reckless) time “off” was everything I didn’t really know I needed, bringing me back to myself…but a new me. Confused yet?
I’m back from a mini-blogging-sabbatical, which part of me is not quite ready to end, as I’m really thoroughly enjoying the #monthsofme, but I’m here for a few very important reasons…
To tell you I’m thankful…for you
Your time, your support, your suggestions. When I started this blog, as my own personal diary documenting my journey to motherhood through assisted reproduction, I never could have imagined the impact it would have on others or the abundance of virtual friends it would bring me. This outlet and your readership has given this journey so much more purpose, and I’m truly grateful to have connected with so many beautiful people. I’ve learned through this experience that in the infertility community, there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet.
Today officially begins my Month(s) of Me project! I’m happy to announce that following an 8AM meeting with my RE and a breakfast consisting of fresh berries rather than Kit Kats, I am off to a great start.
After an amazingly irresponsible and indulgent weekend, it’s clear that I made a sound and highly necessary decision by postponing the #MonthOfMe1114 kick-off to today, despite an intense battle with my Type A tendencies in wanting to start on Nov 1st, just because it seemed logical to start new on the first of the month. I’ve learned throughout my struggle with infertility that logic is quite obviously meant to be surrendered. There’s just no room for it on this journey, at all…and today, for the first time, I think I managed to convince my RE just the same.
I’m finally resurfacing after an emotionally intense week, following the news of our third IVF cycle fail. To all of those who reached out on IG, through the blog, email or phone, thank you for your words of support, hope and encouragement. This fail hit me the hardest thus far, and it appears to only get harder moving forward. Regardless, no one ever said it would be easy, and that has never stopped me before.
So, where do we stand? I wish I had a direct answer for this, but unfortunately I do not. With all of our testing thus far coming back clear, we are inching our way to becoming one of those couples without any real answers.
Let’s be honest, when you’re trying to conceive, the process of making a baby is far from glamorous. Sex is a chore. Romance is hard to keep up. Emotions ride high. For infertiles (and even most healthy couples), it’s not like the movies, folks. Each cycle begins with hope, met with doubt halfway through, and concludes with defeat as yet another CD1 begins. Some will go on to get pregnant, and others will be left wondering, “what the fuck is wrong with me?!”.
I’m an admitted quote fanatic. Whether struggling, hoping for a good laugh, or looking for inspiration, I always manage to find the perfect few lines to provide the hope, laugh or motivation I’m seeking. My quote hoarding went into overdrive when I started the IVF process. For the past few months I’ve been on read and repeat mode, in an attempt to keep my spirits high, through some of the lowest experiences of my life.
I’m happy to report that my uterus has officially stopped being a bitch. It took quite a few weeks (and a few slices of pizza) to get myself mentally “back on my feet” again after my failed IVF cycle and dramatic D&C. Finally, my body feels back to its pre-ivf self (sans medicine and chocolate milkshakes). The unhealthy eating was fun while it lasted, though I should really look into a better coping mechanism…preferably one that doesn’t result in my pants shrinking 
