One Day, In Retrospect…

When I started this blog over a year ago, I was confident I was going to be a mommy. I knew the journey wasn’t going to be easy (or ideal), but I believed it to be possible. I had hope…I had faith…I had determination. Then came failure, after failure, after failure…each time, chiseling away at any morsel of confidence that remained.

I got to a point where I started to think about my life without children. Maybe this whole assisted reproduction thing just wasn’t going to work for us. I was weirdly at peace with the thought of that at the time, but in retrospect, I suspect perhaps the sun, sand and margaritas were deceiving me.

As I started my fourth round of IVF, I wrote “Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does, can be lost so easily. The only thing I am for sure, is unsure, and that’s just fine! I feel relaxed. I feel free. I feel like whatever will be, will be.” Little did I know at the time, this would be the cycle that worked.

As I sit here today writing this, officially 95 days pregnant (but who’s counting?), with not one but TWO little babies, I feel obligated to reinforce the need to persevere on this journey. In my very first blog post I referenced one of my favorite quotes by Sigmund Freud “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” If you’re still struggling, it may be hard to understand this at the moment. I know what you’re thinking. How can such a tough journey, filled with so much heartache ever be considered beautiful?

The truth is, all of it is beautiful…

Your evolution of strength as you move through disappointment and failure

Your connection and bond with “strangers” who understand

Your acquired tolerance of pain and ability to recover

Your unbreakable relationship with your significant other as you lean on each other for support

Your sacrifice

Your hope

Your faith

It’s all beautiful, even if you can’t see it right now.

Do I wish the stars would have aligned sooner for us? Absolutely. But when I consider the person I’ve become over the course of the hardest year of my life, I can’t help but feel thankful for my struggle. I am grateful beyond measure and more equipped to be a mother than ever before. Those who struggle with infertility learn not to take things for granted. As such, I am celebrating every milestone.

I hope those of you still struggling will have the same opportunity to look back one day and appreciate the hell you went through. Giving up is easy. You’re stronger than that.

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