This is the part where I’m supposed to be excited, right? The reality is, I feel the complete opposite. I went for my first beta yesterday at 9dp5dt (or 14dpo). I was planning on keeping it a secret, in hopes I would have good news to share with family and friends. Well, the news was underwhelming. My nurse called to say the test was positive “congrats!”, followed by “your beta came in at 27.5, let’s be cautiously optimistic”.
My heart sank. I had inquired earlier in the morning, what we were really looking for in terms of beta. She said “There really is not a norm, I’ve seen betas of 20 grow into a perfectly healthy pregnancy and betas of 150 end in miscarriage, it’s different in each situation.” This brought very little comfort to me. I feel like I’ve just leaped from the TWW to the LIMBO.
I am well aware that it’s still early and this could go one of two ways, but it’s very hard to hang on to positivity when you’ve been faced with so much disappointment. I had to pull out my favorite book again “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and reread some of my favorite quotes.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make NOW the primary focus of your life.”
“Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance.”
“Give up waiting as a state of mind. Come into the present moment. Just enjoy being. If you are present, there is never any need for you to wait for anything.”
In this state of being, right now, I am pregnant. I’ve waited for this moment for so long. I am going to try to bask in this and reclaim some of the excitement this battle with infertility has taken from me.
My next beta is Saturday morning, the 17th of May. 17 is a very special number in my household. It’s my birthday, my husband’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, and hopefully the day this pregnancy proves viable. What a roller coaster!
Confession: I had started testing at 5dp5dt and received my first very faint bfp that day. Progress looked good via hpts but not reflected in beta.