An Optipessimist New Year’s Eve
A year of ending and beginning, a year of loss and finding. Tonight, as the planet passes through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun, my head will be high, and my middle finger even higher. I can only ring in the New Year, as that which I was for all of 2014…a raging lunatic an optipessimist (yes I’m making up words, no I haven’t been drinking…yet). The optimist in me will be staying up until midnight to see the New Year in, and the pessimist…ensuring the old year leaves
Since starting this infertility journey, I wake up often in the middle of the night, sometimes for no reason at all, and sometimes because you’re making weird sounds in your sleep (one of these days I’ll get it on camera). Those moments where I drift from whatever I was dreaming about into the reality of lying next to you (and most nights, the fact that I’m sweating my ass off) are some of my most pure times of reflection on how strongly I feel about you (and how much colder I need the room temp to be at night).
In all seriousness, it’s in those moments, separated by sleep from whatever arguments we may have had that day and anything we’re stressing about in the day to come, that I am reminded just how ridiculously fortunate I am to call you mine. This year taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about you too. Your desire to be a dad, your concern over my health and body, your tolerance of my hormonal bitchassness, your strength, your tears, your hugs….it all confirms that despite not always getting it right, with you, I did. You’re my best friend, my greatest advocate, and my strongest encourager. Thanks for showing me what true love is really all about…conquering the roughest of rides, learning from the mistakes we make along the way, and loving unconditionally through the good times…and the bad.It’s clear things will never be the rose-tinted picture of idealism we painted for ourselves, and that’s just fine. There is still so little I understand about life and I am no longer in a hurry to make sense of everything. I have no need to figure it all out. Getting a kiss from you every morning is like a silent wink from the universe that I am on the right track. I understand enough. Now let’s do it all again, shall we?
Just about all of us can now say we’ve had our year. A relatively shitty 365 day trip around the sun, that we frankly just couldn’t wait to come to an end. I couldn’t have weathered the storm without you. There truly is no other strange little band of characters I’d rather be trudging through life with, sharing the good times, the bad times and occasionally, toothpaste. We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
In 2015, I plan to make the greetings warmer, and the hugs goodbye longer.
I’ve been a shitty friend this year, and while I’m not proud to admit it, I am proud to be able to do just that. It takes a very understanding, non-judgmental person to still consider me a “friend” after the rather selfish year I’ve had. I hope you realize, despite how withdrawn I may have been as I rode out the absolute hardest year of my life, that I was still observing, listening and caring. I really can’t thank you enough for tolerating my silence, but more importantly, for being silent with me through some of my darkest moments. Hard times will always reveal true friends. As I wave goodbye to 2014, it’s clear just how lucky I am.
In 2015, I plan to continue observing, listening and caring, but hope to do a lot more showing.
Infertility sucks; But how beautiful to be one of the few things that can make friends of complete strangers. We may not have ever met in real life…but we get each other. I don’t know about you, but I’m thankful for this hardship. My infertility journey has brought me a lot of pain, but it has also (weirdly enough) brought me happiness. New friends. Support and love beyond measure. Newfound strength. Enlightenment. Relentless ambition. I’ll be the first to admit that it took me more than half the year to get to a “good” place with infertility, to accept…to in other words, invite that bitch to tea, but I’m here now, and that’s all that matters. I have such deep gratitude for the support this community has given me, and truly believe I couldn’t have achieved this state of mind without it. For that, my New Years wish for you is the following:
May you have an absolute faith in your unlimited potential, peace of mind in the midst of uncertainty, the confidence to let go when you need to, acceptance to replace your resistance, gratitude to open your heart, strength to meet your challenges, great love to replace your fear, forgiveness and compassion for those who offend you, clear sight to see your best and true path, hope to dispel obscurity, the conviction to make your dreams come true, a childlike trust in the benevolence of the universe, the humility to remain teachable, and the courage to learn to be still. To BFPs and beyond!
You’ve already taught me more than you know, and you’re not even an actual human being yet. At this point, I’m not yet sure how you and I will meet, but whenever and however it happens, it will be the greatest moment of my life. There’s so much more I would like to say, but then what ever would we talk about?
My best to all of you! To good health and happiness in 2015!